Getting started is half the task

Some tasks grow huge in our minds. We cannot see where to start. Think about leaving a longtime home after a spouse dies. “I must decide what to do with the house.” It sounds like one clear job. But that house may hold thirty or forty years. Closets are full of clothes. There is furniture you chose together. There are photos, tools, dishes, paperwork, and books. There are Christmas decorations and old boxes. Some boxes have stayed closed for fifteen years. The house may need repairs you have put off. You must think about where to live next. You have money choices to make. Small things can hold very big feelings.

A challenge gives me a place to start

The words we use can change how we feel. I try not to call every hard thing a problem. “Problem” can feel like something is wrong. It can sound like something must be fixed. I prefer the word “challenge.” A challenge can still hurt and wear us out. It can be unfair or hard to untangle. But it gives me something to work on. I feel less like things just happen to me. The facts do not change. My way of facing them does.

“Deal with the house” holds many separate choices. There may be dozens, or even hundreds. We try to hold them all at once. The job feels huge before we move one box. We picture all the work we must do someday. Then we feel it must all happen right now. No wonder it feels like too much.

I have made a new life about five times. You might think big changes would be easy now. They are not. I can still stare at a huge, tangled task. My mind cannot see a good place to start. Experience has not stopped that feeling. But I now notice it sooner.

Break the big task into smaller jobs

I have learned to stop treating it as one job. “Deal with the house” needs to become small steps. Decide what you want to keep. Find what you can sell. Give away things other people can use. Get rid of what no one wants. Find out which repairs really matter. Get a clear view of the money. Choose where to go and plan the move. Once you see the parts, things start to change. Not all of them need doing right now. Some must wait for other tasks to be done. Some choices turn out to be quite easy. Many of those jobs do not even need you.

Find people who already know how

When tasks feel huge, we may miss useful help. We act as if we must learn every skill. But other people already do these jobs. Estate-sale firms deal with houses full of belongings. Charities can pick up things you give away. Facebook Marketplace and Craigslist help you find buyers. Someone may want what you no longer need.

Professional organizers can help sort a room. They can see order when you cannot. Movers can pack your things as well as move them. Property managers can help get a house ready to rent. That could be for short or long stays. Realtors know which repairs matter before you sell. They can flag repairs that may waste money. Mortgage brokers know how home loans work. They may know programs you qualify for. Those choices might come as a surprise. Financial advisors can explain what money choices may mean. Those choices can be hard to weigh during big changes.

Help in the Birmingham area

Here are people and places I recommend nearby. They can give you somewhere to start. For professional organizing and cleaning, try Sherry Franklin at Southern-Bio. For estate sales, I recommend Peddling Post. Crocker Moving Services can help you move. They now offer junk removal, too. For portable storage, I recommend Tim Blackmon. He is at UNITS Moving and Portable Storage of Birmingham. Storage may help while you work through the change. For charitable giving, I recommend Grace Klein Community. Contact them to ask which donations they can use.

For handyman work and repairs, try Drew Spivey. He is at CSC Services. For buying or selling, try Cindy Edmunds with ARC Realty. For mortgages, try Rachel Trowbridge at First Federal Mortgage. For financial advice, try Aimee Barnes at Merrill Lynch. Want to keep the house as a furnished rental? Furnished Finder can help owners and property managers connect. It reaches people seeking a place to stay by the month.

Some changes call for counseling or therapy. If you need that help, I recommend Michael Hoye. He is at Calvert + Associates. When one piece feels heavy, look for help with it.

You do not have to do it all

The challenge may be yours. Every job within it need not be yours, too. Our wish to be self-reliant can get in the way. Being capable does not mean doing it all alone. First, find what truly needs your judgment. Then find people better placed to do the rest. Hiring a mover does not give away control. It saves my energy for choices that need me. I can use help and still stay responsible.

This works for much more than a house. Divorce can feel like one huge challenge. So can a career change or a money crisis. You may be starting or closing a business. You may be moving across the country. You may be caring for an aging parent. You may be rebuilding after someone you love dies. Even a change we long for can stop us cold. We see all the work it will take. I have started over enough to know this: change looks much neater from far away. It rarely feels neat while we live it.

I remember much more ordinary things. Paperwork, phone calls, research, boxes, and mistakes. I asked questions and found people who knew more. One choice would lead to three more choices. Sometimes I knew my life had to change. Yet I could not see the way forward. I could not see how to reach what came next.

Ask smaller questions

When things feel like too much, I ask questions. What am I calling “the challenge”? What smaller tasks are hiding inside it? Which one needs my attention first? Which choices can wait? Which choices need my own judgment? What could someone else do better or faster? What could they do with far less distress? Who already knows how to handle this part? And what is the next action I can take?

Choose one action you can take now

That last question has helped me many times. Our minds can picture a whole future. But our bodies can only act right now. I cannot empty a house at 10:00 Tuesday morning. But I can call an estate-sale firm. I cannot build a new career this afternoon. But I can contact one person. I cannot fix all my money troubles at once. But I can gather my statements. I can book time with someone who understands them. The next action may seem almost laughably small. That small size is why it helps. Taking action teaches us things. We learn less by standing still and thinking.

Small pieces help us get curious A huge, unclear challenge can fill us with dread. A clear, small one gives us something to explore. Who can handle this? What would it cost? Which choices do I have? What if I do nothing? What could make it easier? These questions have answers we can find. As we find them, the big task gets clearer. We can see its shape. Then we can start working with it.

A new life is built one day at a time

I have learned this by rebuilding my own life. Big change rarely feels big while it happens. It often feels like Tuesday. It feels like cleaning a closet. Making a hard phone call. Asking for help or filling out a form. Changing our minds. Getting something wrong and trying again. Years later, we can see how far we came. While we travel, we only stand in one place. We take the small step that is here now.

Is something huge in front of you today? You need not solve your whole life before dinner. If it helps, try a different word. Call it a challenge instead of a problem. Break it down until you can see the parts. Find which parts need your judgment. Find which parts simply need to be done. Look for people who can carry some of the load. Choose one small action you can finish today.

The whole challenge may still be huge. The next step need not be.

A good talk can help you see the parts

Sometimes we cannot see the parts from inside. Our past, feelings, and beliefs fill the view. We think about all that could happen. Someone outside may see past those things. A good talk can reveal a new choice. It can turn one huge task into six small ones. It can help us choose what needs us first. I know the value of these talks. I have needed them myself.

This is more and more the work I want to do. I do not want to tell people how to live. I do not claim to have answers they lack. I want to sit beside them and look together. Good questions can help new paths appear. I have spent much of my life starting over. I have built things and taken them apart. I have thought again and begun again. I have grown good at seeing possible paths. I can spot them where few seem to exist.

Has your challenge grown too large to see clearly? You are welcome to bring it to me. We can break it into parts together. We can look for help and new paths. We can find a place to start.

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Be. Curious.

P.S. Enjoyed this article? Read more of Nichole’s essays on Substack at A Lady Stoic.